Sunday, March 09, 2008

this is bad and i noe i'm dissatisfied that's why i'm feeling all mucky about this.

but it's bad bcz i'm genuinely losing hope in this relationship. it's not just when we fight (although it does get worse), even on the neutral days i wonder where this is going with all this differences in religion and his friends not fully open about him having a MALAY MUSLIM girlfriend (like it's a fucking offenCE now), about his mum hating me for my race and religion.

i'm losing hope so much so that the sister has more hope in it working out than even me. when she says there's still alot of ways for me to work things out with him, that all this is just a test and things will be good and stable eventually....i'm SURPRISED. i go 'wad? really ah, u actually think that??'

ah fuck lah, go try harder lah boy. pms blowup is one thing but if u give a fuck, then fucking show that u do. cz the worse it gets, the less i'm confident of this mess.





FUCK THIS SHIT.

like the only reason why i'm fucking holding on to everything is cz i still love him. it's so funny how u can lose hope in everything but the love is still burning. fuck la this is such a fucking mess just wake up FUCK YOU I DUNNO WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO TO MAKE YOU WAKE UP.

or like, mebbe it's time I woke up?? i don't fucking know. fuck la fuck la fuck you, you bastard fucker. i can't bear taking things into my own hands bcz i still love you and deep down i want things to work out and it's going nowhere now and if i decide to end it all, i'll regret it and i won't be able to live with my decision so why don't you do something instead you fucker, we're stuck in a rut going neither backwards nor forwards. DO SOMETHING AND MAKE THIS OR BREAK THIS, WHATEVER YOU WANT. JUST FUCKING DO SOMETHING, BASTARD.

Posted by s t a t i c at 6:13 PM

Saturday, March 08, 2008

leap day: the day i turned into a witch

lj entry 6th march:

"... is feeling perpetually guilty over pms day, in which i threw blow after blow of acid and poisonously snide disparaging remarks and looks at the poor boy despite him treating me like a princess that day and buying all sorts of things for me. i'm an evil bitch la ok. i think it wouldn't even be half as bad as this if i was pms-ing with angry outburts. the last time i rmbr being this nasty to anyone was only those times when kargea decided to show how much of a racist dumbfuck he was and all i wanted to do was bring him down and just shut him up for good. at least that was deliberate. this is just....i. don't. know. what. happened argh. fuck la these bloody hormones what the fuck is wrong with me..."

and that folks, was the day sherwin took me out to celebrate our anniversary (22months) and take me to the movies to watch 'leap years' on the opening day. that movie i was dying to watch and which was the first movie i ever watched on opening day itself. the day he walked all the way back to his house to get my watch for me.

he's still ignoring me, or at least malas nak layan or something. hasn't answered the calls or sms or online msgs since the end of that day. siighs my first big pms blowup ever and it had to be on that day. that very day. the only clues as to his feelings is his msn nick, and yesterday night, his name wasn't even in jawi (i taught him how to write it)anymore like how it was when i sent him a sry msg. there's ups and downs to every relationship...i guess that was finally my turn to play the wrongdoer huh?

yea and what an ugly turn it was.

Posted by s t a t i c at 4:12 PM