Sunday, February 24, 2008

lj entry 22-02-08:

"woooo many surprises yesterday man. best best.

first surprise was when sherwin suddenly told me he was on his way over to campus!! wooot so we hung out at near the nanyang lake (i haven't been arnd there since foc man) and then at the top of the hill above hall 1 to check out the view over boon lay. nice spot witha nice view! :) save for the mosquitos anyways. haha then dragged him over to the HO Closing Ceremony to support jeanette for the inter-hall dance competition."


turns out that he had it all planned for vday. tell me tt he wasn't gonna go out, n then on the day itself suddenly appear at my door n take me out. jz tt he had high fever tt entire week...he was running a fever of 40degrees. :/

he's trying to be more truthful to his mum n all... so since she doesn't like me n stuff he has to find ways to go out w me n not have to tell her abt it. tt day he came to my campus, he arranged his job interviews just so tt he cud find time to meet me before he met his church frens for bday celebration, which he ended up not going for to spend the rest of the day with me.

he's planning a surprise for our anniversary this friday...not telling me wad he's doing at all haha.



so i told him tt even if he wanted to spring a surprise for me, dun make it so sad before tt (ie; say tt he wants to go out w other ppl or tell me to go out w other ppl etc). so now he noes la. n now i realize that the bf is a very sweet guy after all, n yes, he does love me very much.

Alhamdulillah.


all is good.

Posted by s t a t i c at 11:53 PM

Thursday, February 21, 2008

let it be let it be let it be let it let it be let it be.

n even after all he's done, i still wonder if he really deserves this. whether he reeally is such a bad bf to deserve it. i know the answer, and it's yes. after all tt he's done. and not done. refused to do.

but even as i'm hurt as eff, i feel like fuck that it has to come to this in the end and i might risk hurting him. but then he said it wouldnt make a difference even if we broke up rite? he said life will still go on. yea he said that.

i still have feelings for him. i'm trying to tell myself to move on. i still love him...but the last part of me that hopes he will change fore the better is gone. completely. even last night when i told him tt he has to try harder if he wants the relationship to work, i didn't say it with any expectations. it was simply a warning that there was something wrong in the relationship. i could've chosen not to tell him but i thought it was only fair for him to know. even if he does try harder now, i will wonder how long it's gonna last until he goes back to his old self again.


now i better dry my eyes, pray, then go to sleep. not gonna end up oversleeping n missing my lesson because of him again like today.

i was thinking jz now tt at least God loves me, he'll still take care of me no matter wad. my girlfriends love me too, they care about me. he says he still loves me, but the way things are, it's obvious enough that he doesn't care about me. i thought love n care came hand in hand.

Posted by s t a t i c at 2:17 AM

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

why dya have to go and make things so complicated

helloo blog. i love my neighbour and roomieeeee!!! felt so effed up yesterday night la... talking to sarah n jinglin made me feel loads better if not i would've jz broken down before i went to sleep. sigh.

it's a sad realization...but after wad happened, i really think i'm better off not depending on him. not even for the simplest things. last week was the break point but really...since two or three weeks ago it's all been gradually going downhill. come to think of it, ever since he ord-ed. hah. and he promised that things would get better after ord. i waited. i hoped. whatever.

i generally don't like to go into detail about these matters...u noe that blog. even now as i'm typing, i feel weird. but things need to be sorted out in my head, therefore i'm typing it all down lest i forget the reason why i am opening up my options, why i've decided not to rely on him for the simplest things like anniversaries, celebrations or even hanging out together (i thought that's what dating couples do).


this, or rather, these are the reasons why i now assume that the 'boyfriend' that i have is simply a name on my phone list, someone whom i should not expect to see in person on a regular basis.

until the end of my CAs at least, to save my academic ass, i will wait around until the feelings fade.

someone dotted the i of my name with a heart, but it wasn't you.

this is going to be extremely hard...heartbroken as i already am.

reason 1.
he's been refusing to go out with me. asked him out on the friday of cny week. he was free at home. refused to meet me even tho eastpoint is just a walking distance from his house. he's free this friday afternoon, but he's refusing to see me. lazy to come out of the house. he's free the whole of next week too. still refuses to hang out with me. reason: lazy to come out of the house.

can come out of house (or stay outside longer) to meet church friends, go out with church friends, go for the classmate's impromptu birthday celebration, go for kargea's impromptu cny gathering at his house. cannot come out of house to meet me. not impromptu outing, not planned, not anything.


reason 2.
he refused to meet me on valentine's day. been fighting about it since ten days before vday, until he fell sick with high fever and throat infection and really couldn't go out of the house in the end. but in the first place, he was insistent on not meeting me on vday (VDAY!!!), so it wouldn't have made any difference. i think it was his sms on vday morning that broke the last straw. it said 'find someone to go out with. i'm staying at home'.

eventually,i resolved that vday was an entirely commercial day, and he said that yes, he was just being practical. it's not an especially significant day since it doesn't remotely mean anything to our relationship. but...


reason 3.
he said he refused to do anything for our anniversary next friday, which is really unique cz it falls on 29th feb, which comes only on leap years. i think it's really really special. we'll be 22 months then. but he jz said 'u noe i dun like to celebrate stuff'. i said 'ok we can jz hang out on tt day then, at least'....to which he replied 'ya ya ya' with a reluctant tone. talking about this is giving me a headache again.

reason 4.
last night, he said he gets pissed when ppl tell him their problems.

apparently he says it's an involuntary reaction since he didn't like it when his mum told him about her problems bcz he said she'd drag other things into it it. so the result is that he will instantly get pissed when someone starts to confide in him...so in most cases he moves away when someone in his group of friends starts to talk about his problem...before he can get pissed.

i told him that we are not machines nor animals, and we don't act simply on impulse or the sheer habit of having a trigger reaction from a past event. nothing's the same. we have brains and intellect. USE IT.

anyway, that explained why he got angry when i told him about my cheerleading probs the other tme, and i ended up running to huda about it. at first i thought it was because he just twisted his knee when i called him that day...but come to think of it, it was a lame excuse. so his reaction to ppl confiding in him is to get pissed off. he also said he gets irritated when i start crying. irritated. not feeling like he shoud do something to make me feel better, not concern, nothing. he gets irritated when i cry...no matter what the reason is.

________________________________
something i rmbred abt yest's convo...

me: rmbr i once told u that u were my everything?
him: ya?me: i can't say that anymore...not sincerely

then there was this abrupt pause on his end of the line.
and then he just said 'ok...'.
then again, that's what his verbal reaction is usually...no matter what his real reaction is. so what did i expect?

i dun think even i wud noe wad to say if he told me that. not that i think i ever was his everything to start with.







no i don't want to cry. i've cried too many tears for you already.

Posted by s t a t i c at 3:36 PM

Monday, February 18, 2008

stuck

1. boy is angry at me bcz i did do what he said (haha) and went out with another guy on vday. padan muka.

2. can derive from no. 1 that boy really does genuinely care, after all. and that he does have a feleing of possesiveness over i the girlfriend, after all. despite his many proclamations of 'not caring what i do', which are undeniably founded to be denials. heh.

on the checklist of what makes a proper boyfriend/lover, that point, after 1yr and 9months, is finally and permanently checked. dunno whether to rejoice or to sigh in exasperation, so i shall say 'Alhamdulillah'...my feelings are not wasted. with boy i am still in love, after all.

3. boy is trying to defend me much on 'warbook'. expression of caring? i suppose so, yes.

4. after much ruminations on boy for 1yr and 9months, i have decided to go with the flow. as hilwa has said. bcz i realize that relationships are all in the hands of fate, ie; in the hands of God. therefore, after having intentionally and always making a point to put in effort to better the rltnship, i now leave it up to Him. me shall do wad me feels like doing ie; gut feeling etc.

5. many distractions i is having. partly good. partly leaves me with slight bad feeling, since it might affect welfare of relationship.

6. i am from now on, putting full priority on welfare of MYSELF. not welfare of relationship. i must love myself, after all.

Posted by s t a t i c at 12:45 AM