Friday, September 14, 2007

things i need to do when i get home:

*call him and...
1. tell him tt i'm nt angry anymore
2. ask if he still likes me : if it's ANYTHING ELSE BUT a yes, then he can say 'dunno'
3. if he does, tell him we need to talk, n i'd rather do it face to face

i still love him. it's not half as much as when we first started out, but i think the feeling is still there. i still want him around at least. it mite be bcz i've been too used to that...him being arnd since the start of my jc days n being one of the very first close guy frens i've had (pri sch not counted heh). i've never truly learnt how it's like without knowing that he somehow cares, even if a little bit. i dunno...mebbe i will learn if i have to. but the point is that, there is still some feeling left, but it's fading slowly. i need to tell him that. if he wants this relationship, he's got to help it grow stronger. n i'm not threatening or anything...this is real. if u dun help it grow stronger, the feeling will die out soon.

before tt, i've got to tell him to pls be more sensitive. like if he can't meet me, say sorry or something. tell me something nice or sweet to console me. dun make me feel like i've just been rejected n left to wait for another half a month to force him to come see me. tt way, at least i'll noe tt he does want to meet me, just that at the point of time he just can't.

actually it's time he treated me better too. he says he needs time for his frens too. but i think he meets his church frens more than he meets me as it is.

this time, i can't say that i want this relationship. neither can i say that i don't want it. but if things keep going as it is now, i just feel that i deserve to be treated better. even if it means giving up the relationship. i've said it countless of times - i'm tired. tired of trying to keep this relationship going from day to day, week to week. tired of teaching u n telling u wad to do in hope that u will treat me well...like how other guys treat their girlfriends. hoping that despite all the things that have happened, i actually really am your everything. as how u once were my everything.

Posted by s t a t i c at 12:29 PM

Monday, September 10, 2007

eff la i am sick of bloggin abt my depressing life. i'm just using him as an excuse for this pathetic emotional state that i am in now when i am actually fully capable of being in charge. i shud stop being such a bitch to mself n do something. eff. just eff. n i effing dunno how to do my tutorial.

i dunno if it's made matters worse tt the weird sp or peace-out actually asked owen for my number. owen actually thinks the jerk is a pretty nice guy. what the eff la. somehow it feels like my fren pangseh-ing me sia but frens dun have the right over hu they're frens r frens with. n we dun have the right to judge their friendship really. so fine, there it is.

this seems like the times when he abandons me on purpose while keeping plans to himself...where after a while, he finally initiates a meetup to ask for a breakup properly. just that e plan above didn't go as said last time bcz i being the concerned gf tt i am, decided to call n ask wad was wrong n if there was anything i could do to help him out. n banG the breakup ensued over the phone. yea. just that this time, i'm not calling. so we shall wait n see. sigh.


my heartstrings
are hanging from your words
and they're hanging from ur lips
hanging
hanging
hanging

and when you move your lips
my heartstrings are scattered asunder.




what am i to feel when you say that everything will be beter now?

Posted by s t a t i c at 9:44 PM

Thursday, September 06, 2007

ironic how i fell empty n sullen when there's many things happening n pretty much more to be happy about. but then again, it's a pretty common thing rite? thanks to the boyfriend, i have a headache now, there's that heavy feeling in my chest, i feel feverish n having stomach discomfort bcz i am... sad. they say tt u go through thick n thin with ur companion/bf/partner (what have you). but doesn't a companion have to be supportive too? n WILLING. for goodness' sake. not someone u have to complain to before he does something for u. i feel tired of doing everything. asking, teaching him wad to do, how to treat me, ask to settle a prob/talk things out when i'm nt happy. can he jz do things for once without me having to sound out first n mebbe prove to me tt this relationship is not one-sided? tt i'm not e only one hu wants this relationship to work. he says he wants it to work, n part of me believes tt he does. but there's the day to day (or in this case, week to week) things u gotta do to keep it going. it's like i'm e only one hu's interested in this. wtf la. to think tt he was e one hu asked me back. part of me has already given up, but part of me wants to give him a chance. it's obvious enough tt e latter part was e one tt made me get back with him. but there's still tt part which has given up, n everytime he cancels out on me n stuff like tt, i'm no longer as disappointed as i used to be. i jz feel numb. bcz i've tried so many times anyway n it hasn't worked. yea, i feel angry obviously. but there's tt part of me which expected this to happen anyway.

and then sometimes i wonder if all this will really clear up after 5months. i dun feel like thinking about the 'maybe's after tt. not rite now. i'm just too tired.

Posted by s t a t i c at 8:57 PM