Wednesday, July 11, 2007

today i was scrolling through my livejournal entries and i realised tt the picture (the one on our last date) i posted up is gone bcz it was linked to friendster n i deleted tt pic from the gallery. sigh. well, no use clinging on to excess baggage anyway.

so on sunday he asked me whether i wanted to go for the 0304 chalet at the end of this month. was away frm the comp at a wedding so i only saw the msg at nite. after deciding on whether to call or jz msg him...i called him on a whim. i know. i blew it. n i literally did towards the end of the conversation bcz it felt so tiring talking over religion with him. it was ok if half of it was related to what we were talking abt...but i was wondering half the time how it was connected. i will not give examples as to what was discussed bcz i think the things tt he said related to religion n life etc was such a given tt it's not worth discussing to start with n also, i am tired of mulling over our exchange.

as my mum said, ppl who start out with not much belief in their lives or don't really practice it are pretty much overwhelmed when they do decide to embrace it. hence the excessive talk over it. whereas for those who've held some sort of belief from the start will find all that is said to be something given n understood...a way of life. i guess it was the wrong timing... me still getting over this whole breakup shit thing n him still settling down upon finding new direction. heh. buT... bcz of my blow up i dunno now whether he still intends to keep in contact with me. it's such a fragile stage n it ain't never a gd thing to blow up at ur friends. no no. so as of now, ashamed as i am to-have-not-handled-the-conversation-better *talks through teeth*, i shall not contact him until he contacts me. which is also to say.. i don't wanna have hopes on this friendship anymore although it is of course many many times better if it still existed.

well, it seems tt i have to de-li-ber-ate-ly n with effort, move on to thee next chapter of my life. push myself, to put it in other words. doesn't seem like it's gonna happen just like tt. yet another growing-up stage yes? yes. all i hope is tt things turn out for the best. n i gotta see to it tt it happens. at least, the things i can control.

Posted by s t a t i c at 12:49 PM

Friday, July 06, 2007

am i being unfeeling if i say tt i am tired of all this baggage? tt i cannot wait to move on? i think so myself.

i thought abt it further n mebbe i jz wanna see him again. before, it used to be enough for me to see him for awhile...have a gd conversation. basically to jz have his company. i noe i'm being saved the impact of this bcz he says he still does care n tt really, nothing's changed. only tt circumstances dun permit us to be together. the fact tt wad's happened means tt no matter how much he cares, he doesn't want to be with me anymore is still hard for me to swallow. leaves me confused n jaded. let me repeat tt to make it clearer to myself : AZIMAH, HE DOESN'T WANT YOU ANYMORE.

*deep breath*

sherwin doesn't want me anymore. i dunno wad he wants now, but clearly it's not me. why should you care for someone's company when he doesn't even want you around? why should i care? mebbe deep down, i am just wishing tt time turned back n everything returned to what it was. let's pretend to forget n to be friends n laugh like we used to so it wud be as if the past didn't happen.

sigh. wad a lie. tt will never change how things have become. i shud just have to accept the facts. he doesn't want me around. shud do him a favour n disappear. of course i treasure him in my life as i've always had. but pls azimah, have some decency for urself. if he doesn't give a shit abt u anymore, why shud u? it will just be one-sided, desperate n make things seem as if i have noone else to turn to. which is really doing a great injustice to my friends bcz their all arnd me now n supporting me. i seriously dunno wad i'd do without them. pls be grateful azimah n appreciate all tt ur friends r doing now to help u recover n dun turn back n hurt urself again after all tt they've helped you with.

whatever he does, it's his life. his choices, his actions. he knows what he's doing so why do u even feel concerned? he's not a damn kid for goodness' sake, he obviously knows what he wants. n obviously he knows tt he doesn't want u. forget the pretty phrases. his actions jz threw the facts right smack into ur face. open ur eyes pls, n see it? so have some pride, azimah, n turn ur back.




hell yea. okaY then, i know where i'm not wanted. it's totally his loss.

Posted by s t a t i c at 11:43 AM

Thursday, July 05, 2007

oh n today is july 4th i jz noticed! my funkiest uncle won't be reading this but:

happy birthday pakcik sayang!! =) all the best in life n ur family n all tt u aspire for in life. kudos!

Posted by s t a t i c at 12:39 PM

well to get to the point of it, we broke up the same day he converted. it was kinda mutual. altho sometimes i still wonder wad happened during all those times i reasoned with him, explained things rationally n made him understand. unlike some ppl (it seems...n i'm sry if it sounds biased but i can't see it any other way), i'm not hard up on pulling ppl to believe the same things tt i do. i tried to explain things to him (n even then, only when he asked me to) in the hope of solidifying our relationship together. if he understood my outlook, mebbe all this religion stuff wudn't be so alien to him. i thot him converting wud still make him understand better...but i guess i trusted too much tt he wud still be as open as before. n mebbe i didn't know what expect of the circumstances tt came with this change. to me, everything we aim for needs a bit of work or abit of effort. mebbe some things jz need a little bit more. if we believe tt we will get there someday, why give up. keep on going.

sigh.

when i try to weigh fate n effort in this situation i get confused bcz i still love him very very much such tt right now, i can only see myself with him. to think tt someone else was fated for me....i dunno how to think tt now. i always have love him in some way...long before we got together. unlike the other guy friends i knew, he was somehow special. like he had this place in my heart even before i had any romantic feelings for him. like somehow he belonged there. do best guy friends alwys tend to have tt effect on girls? i dunno. but he was my first. best guy friend boyfriend love.

sigh mebbe it's just the fact tt i'm still not over the breakup. i still need time to move on. which doesn't mean he doesn't have a place in my life as a friend. he does. i just need to get over this phase, embrace my single life not as a sense of loss but a new beginning n new opportunities. i gotta make this work for me because all the doors are wide open in front of me. all i have to do is take the steps to get there. not every fairytale has a happy ending after all. heh fergie's 'big girls don't cry' is like my anthem now cz yes, it really is time to move on. time to grow up. no matter how painful it would be. everything has been said n done after all...n no amount of reminiscing or regretting or pondering will change anything. the only hope i have is tt i still have a place in his life too. i've lost the bf obviously...but it's gonna suck to lose the friend i've had since the start of my jc days.

it's not even a week since the breakup (sat nite) but i am so. sick. of crying.
sick of the sticky dried trail it leaves on my face. sick of the tiny pain at top of my head and the pain in my chest when i breathe in. sick of the clot in my throat n the slight constriction n the heavy feeling in my chest n the snotty nose n the sniffling n the tissues n the drops of tears perching on my eyelashes. i am 100% girL i tell u n it's so sickening sometimes. arGH. there's alot of contradiction in this paragraph tt i've just written bcz the crying n all really does help me out emotionally, n if i said 'i jz wanna get over this fast!' i wud be lying bcz i think i need this time to heal n be complete again by myself n gg any faster wud be almost an impossibility n denying my feelings. not to say tt i want to wallow in depression n get hung up on this forever n ever...obviously not. but i guess its like having a big operation n gg thru the motion n the pain n the bitter meds n the physiotherapy n it ain't fun at all but u noe tt u can't skip them steps (n say...burst out running out of the physio clinic even if u want to) if u wanna fully recover. yes yes. honesty (in this case, to myself) and perseverance. *deep breath*


onward forth!

Posted by s t a t i c at 11:54 AM