Wednesday, February 20, 2008

why dya have to go and make things so complicated

helloo blog. i love my neighbour and roomieeeee!!! felt so effed up yesterday night la... talking to sarah n jinglin made me feel loads better if not i would've jz broken down before i went to sleep. sigh.

it's a sad realization...but after wad happened, i really think i'm better off not depending on him. not even for the simplest things. last week was the break point but really...since two or three weeks ago it's all been gradually going downhill. come to think of it, ever since he ord-ed. hah. and he promised that things would get better after ord. i waited. i hoped. whatever.

i generally don't like to go into detail about these matters...u noe that blog. even now as i'm typing, i feel weird. but things need to be sorted out in my head, therefore i'm typing it all down lest i forget the reason why i am opening up my options, why i've decided not to rely on him for the simplest things like anniversaries, celebrations or even hanging out together (i thought that's what dating couples do).


this, or rather, these are the reasons why i now assume that the 'boyfriend' that i have is simply a name on my phone list, someone whom i should not expect to see in person on a regular basis.

until the end of my CAs at least, to save my academic ass, i will wait around until the feelings fade.

someone dotted the i of my name with a heart, but it wasn't you.

this is going to be extremely hard...heartbroken as i already am.

reason 1.
he's been refusing to go out with me. asked him out on the friday of cny week. he was free at home. refused to meet me even tho eastpoint is just a walking distance from his house. he's free this friday afternoon, but he's refusing to see me. lazy to come out of the house. he's free the whole of next week too. still refuses to hang out with me. reason: lazy to come out of the house.

can come out of house (or stay outside longer) to meet church friends, go out with church friends, go for the classmate's impromptu birthday celebration, go for kargea's impromptu cny gathering at his house. cannot come out of house to meet me. not impromptu outing, not planned, not anything.


reason 2.
he refused to meet me on valentine's day. been fighting about it since ten days before vday, until he fell sick with high fever and throat infection and really couldn't go out of the house in the end. but in the first place, he was insistent on not meeting me on vday (VDAY!!!), so it wouldn't have made any difference. i think it was his sms on vday morning that broke the last straw. it said 'find someone to go out with. i'm staying at home'.

eventually,i resolved that vday was an entirely commercial day, and he said that yes, he was just being practical. it's not an especially significant day since it doesn't remotely mean anything to our relationship. but...


reason 3.
he said he refused to do anything for our anniversary next friday, which is really unique cz it falls on 29th feb, which comes only on leap years. i think it's really really special. we'll be 22 months then. but he jz said 'u noe i dun like to celebrate stuff'. i said 'ok we can jz hang out on tt day then, at least'....to which he replied 'ya ya ya' with a reluctant tone. talking about this is giving me a headache again.

reason 4.
last night, he said he gets pissed when ppl tell him their problems.

apparently he says it's an involuntary reaction since he didn't like it when his mum told him about her problems bcz he said she'd drag other things into it it. so the result is that he will instantly get pissed when someone starts to confide in him...so in most cases he moves away when someone in his group of friends starts to talk about his problem...before he can get pissed.

i told him that we are not machines nor animals, and we don't act simply on impulse or the sheer habit of having a trigger reaction from a past event. nothing's the same. we have brains and intellect. USE IT.

anyway, that explained why he got angry when i told him about my cheerleading probs the other tme, and i ended up running to huda about it. at first i thought it was because he just twisted his knee when i called him that day...but come to think of it, it was a lame excuse. so his reaction to ppl confiding in him is to get pissed off. he also said he gets irritated when i start crying. irritated. not feeling like he shoud do something to make me feel better, not concern, nothing. he gets irritated when i cry...no matter what the reason is.

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something i rmbred abt yest's convo...

me: rmbr i once told u that u were my everything?
him: ya?me: i can't say that anymore...not sincerely

then there was this abrupt pause on his end of the line.
and then he just said 'ok...'.
then again, that's what his verbal reaction is usually...no matter what his real reaction is. so what did i expect?

i dun think even i wud noe wad to say if he told me that. not that i think i ever was his everything to start with.







no i don't want to cry. i've cried too many tears for you already.

Posted by s t a t i c at 3:36 PM