Thursday, July 05, 2007

well to get to the point of it, we broke up the same day he converted. it was kinda mutual. altho sometimes i still wonder wad happened during all those times i reasoned with him, explained things rationally n made him understand. unlike some ppl (it seems...n i'm sry if it sounds biased but i can't see it any other way), i'm not hard up on pulling ppl to believe the same things tt i do. i tried to explain things to him (n even then, only when he asked me to) in the hope of solidifying our relationship together. if he understood my outlook, mebbe all this religion stuff wudn't be so alien to him. i thot him converting wud still make him understand better...but i guess i trusted too much tt he wud still be as open as before. n mebbe i didn't know what expect of the circumstances tt came with this change. to me, everything we aim for needs a bit of work or abit of effort. mebbe some things jz need a little bit more. if we believe tt we will get there someday, why give up. keep on going.

sigh.

when i try to weigh fate n effort in this situation i get confused bcz i still love him very very much such tt right now, i can only see myself with him. to think tt someone else was fated for me....i dunno how to think tt now. i always have love him in some way...long before we got together. unlike the other guy friends i knew, he was somehow special. like he had this place in my heart even before i had any romantic feelings for him. like somehow he belonged there. do best guy friends alwys tend to have tt effect on girls? i dunno. but he was my first. best guy friend boyfriend love.

sigh mebbe it's just the fact tt i'm still not over the breakup. i still need time to move on. which doesn't mean he doesn't have a place in my life as a friend. he does. i just need to get over this phase, embrace my single life not as a sense of loss but a new beginning n new opportunities. i gotta make this work for me because all the doors are wide open in front of me. all i have to do is take the steps to get there. not every fairytale has a happy ending after all. heh fergie's 'big girls don't cry' is like my anthem now cz yes, it really is time to move on. time to grow up. no matter how painful it would be. everything has been said n done after all...n no amount of reminiscing or regretting or pondering will change anything. the only hope i have is tt i still have a place in his life too. i've lost the bf obviously...but it's gonna suck to lose the friend i've had since the start of my jc days.

it's not even a week since the breakup (sat nite) but i am so. sick. of crying.
sick of the sticky dried trail it leaves on my face. sick of the tiny pain at top of my head and the pain in my chest when i breathe in. sick of the clot in my throat n the slight constriction n the heavy feeling in my chest n the snotty nose n the sniffling n the tissues n the drops of tears perching on my eyelashes. i am 100% girL i tell u n it's so sickening sometimes. arGH. there's alot of contradiction in this paragraph tt i've just written bcz the crying n all really does help me out emotionally, n if i said 'i jz wanna get over this fast!' i wud be lying bcz i think i need this time to heal n be complete again by myself n gg any faster wud be almost an impossibility n denying my feelings. not to say tt i want to wallow in depression n get hung up on this forever n ever...obviously not. but i guess its like having a big operation n gg thru the motion n the pain n the bitter meds n the physiotherapy n it ain't fun at all but u noe tt u can't skip them steps (n say...burst out running out of the physio clinic even if u want to) if u wanna fully recover. yes yes. honesty (in this case, to myself) and perseverance. *deep breath*


onward forth!

Posted by s t a t i c at 11:54 AM