Thursday, April 02, 2009

hello, this shall be my final and last update on this blog... as i am closing it.

i've been reading the past entries on this blog, and obviously all the entries have had something to do with my ex, sherwin. yes read it again, that's my EX.

i have finally moved on with my life... managed escape from the rut of a relationship i was in.
in other words, i have dumped sherwin.

i have since found better things in my life, and have realised what i've been missing out, and how bright my world can really be. i am happy.

this entry is a closure to this sad journal and chapter of my life. as such i shall describe what happened at the end (for the sake of recording i guess, and making a proper 'the end' to this blog thingy).

it's ironic that this blog is titled the dumping ground. shall get to that later but the reason why i named it as such was bcz this was e place i meant to dump all my emotions and thoughts... and oddly enough, alot of the entries was exactly that...a dumping - of negative thoughts and emotions. dumping them in writing. the irony in this title is that it's been shouting at me what i should have done the whole time - dumped the main character of this blog 'the boy' (or should i say the ex now). ha ha. yea i should have done that a long time ago. re-reading my entries made me realise that over and over again.

so! i dumped sherwin khoo. and i am proud of that. after all the things i went through and tried. i have no regrets, and in fact, i am proud. i am proud that i was the one who did away the poison in my life. i managed to not only get myself out of the vicious cycle of daily heavy-heartedness and daily sighs and weekly tears, i turned things around and got back at him. how? i dumped him. HAH. and i am even more proud of myself that i stood my ground and felt emotionless as he tried desperately to get me back. wait. i think i was amused.

i think it's obvious that even after more than half a year after this whole thing blew over, i still have some gripes about the past. there were some things in that relationship, the ones that i never blogged about, that i can never forgive him for. over time, i hope to look back at those ugly memories undeterred, but i noe that even then, i would look back and know that there was a person so thoughtless, so opportunistic, so fucking selfish as to have no qualms to try to make use of a then naive girl to achieve his personal ends, and failing which - was so much of a coward that he glossed over the ugly moment, right after, with the lamest of excuses. there once existed in my life a person that was so shameless to repeat it, more than once. i think i've yet to forgive myself for even letting those moments happen.

anyways, enough of looking back. everything in that part of my life is over now. i have more than recovered... i am brand new.

but i can't help wrapping up this blog with something vindictive. i like grand exits anyway.

so... to 'the boy' in this journal and from this chapter of my life:

KAN NI NA BUEY CHAO CHEE BYE, MOTHERFUCKAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Posted by s t a t i c at 4:16 AM

Sunday, March 09, 2008

this is bad and i noe i'm dissatisfied that's why i'm feeling all mucky about this.

but it's bad bcz i'm genuinely losing hope in this relationship. it's not just when we fight (although it does get worse), even on the neutral days i wonder where this is going with all this differences in religion and his friends not fully open about him having a MALAY MUSLIM girlfriend (like it's a fucking offenCE now), about his mum hating me for my race and religion.

i'm losing hope so much so that the sister has more hope in it working out than even me. when she says there's still alot of ways for me to work things out with him, that all this is just a test and things will be good and stable eventually....i'm SURPRISED. i go 'wad? really ah, u actually think that??'

ah fuck lah, go try harder lah boy. pms blowup is one thing but if u give a fuck, then fucking show that u do. cz the worse it gets, the less i'm confident of this mess.

FUCK THIS SHIT.

like the only reason why i'm fucking holding on to everything is cz i still love him. it's so funny how u can lose hope in everything but the love is still burning. fuck la this is such a fucking mess just wake up FUCK YOU I DUNNO WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO TO MAKE YOU WAKE UP.

or like, mebbe it's time I woke up?? i don't fucking know. fuck la fuck la fuck you, you bastard fucker. i can't bear taking things into my own hands bcz i still love you and deep down i want things to work out and it's going nowhere now and if i decide to end it all, i'll regret it and i won't be able to live with my decision so why don't you do something instead you fucker, we're stuck in a rut going neither backwards nor forwards. DO SOMETHING AND MAKE THIS OR BREAK THIS, WHATEVER YOU WANT. JUST FUCKING DO SOMETHING, BASTARD.

Posted by s t a t i c at 6:13 PM

Saturday, March 08, 2008

leap day: the day i turned into a witch

lj entry 6th march:

"... is feeling perpetually guilty over pms day, in which i threw blow after blow of acid and poisonously snide disparaging remarks and looks at the poor boy despite him treating me like a princess that day and buying all sorts of things for me. i'm an evil bitch la ok. i think it wouldn't even be half as bad as this if i was pms-ing with angry outburts. the last time i rmbr being this nasty to anyone was only those times when kargea decided to show how much of a racist dumbfuck he was and all i wanted to do was bring him down and just shut him up for good. at least that was deliberate. this is just....i. don't. know. what. happened argh. fuck la these bloody hormones what the fuck is wrong with me..."

and that folks, was the day sherwin took me out to celebrate our anniversary (22months) and take me to the movies to watch 'leap years' on the opening day. that movie i was dying to watch and which was the first movie i ever watched on opening day itself. the day he walked all the way back to his house to get my watch for me.

he's still ignoring me, or at least malas nak layan or something. hasn't answered the calls or sms or online msgs since the end of that day. siighs my first big pms blowup ever and it had to be on that day. that very day. the only clues as to his feelings is his msn nick, and yesterday night, his name wasn't even in jawi (i taught him how to write it)anymore like how it was when i sent him a sry msg. there's ups and downs to every relationship...i guess that was finally my turn to play the wrongdoer huh?

yea and what an ugly turn it was.

Posted by s t a t i c at 4:12 PM

Sunday, February 24, 2008

lj entry 22-02-08:

"woooo many surprises yesterday man. best best.

first surprise was when sherwin suddenly told me he was on his way over to campus!! wooot so we hung out at near the nanyang lake (i haven't been arnd there since foc man) and then at the top of the hill above hall 1 to check out the view over boon lay. nice spot witha nice view! :) save for the mosquitos anyways. haha then dragged him over to the HO Closing Ceremony to support jeanette for the inter-hall dance competition."

turns out that he had it all planned for vday. tell me tt he wasn't gonna go out, n then on the day itself suddenly appear at my door n take me out. jz tt he had high fever tt entire week...he was running a fever of 40degrees. :/

he's trying to be more truthful to his mum n all... so since she doesn't like me n stuff he has to find ways to go out w me n not have to tell her abt it. tt day he came to my campus, he arranged his job interviews just so tt he cud find time to meet me before he met his church frens for bday celebration, which he ended up not going for to spend the rest of the day with me.

he's planning a surprise for our anniversary this friday...not telling me wad he's doing at all haha.

so i told him tt even if he wanted to spring a surprise for me, dun make it so sad before tt (ie; say tt he wants to go out w other ppl or tell me to go out w other ppl etc). so now he noes la. n now i realize that the bf is a very sweet guy after all, n yes, he does love me very much.

Alhamdulillah.

all is good.

Posted by s t a t i c at 11:53 PM

Thursday, February 21, 2008

let it be let it be let it be let it let it be let it be.

n even after all he's done, i still wonder if he really deserves this. whether he reeally is such a bad bf to deserve it. i know the answer, and it's yes. after all tt he's done. and not done. refused to do.

but even as i'm hurt as eff, i feel like fuck that it has to come to this in the end and i might risk hurting him. but then he said it wouldnt make a difference even if we broke up rite? he said life will still go on. yea he said that.

i still have feelings for him. i'm trying to tell myself to move on. i still love him...but the last part of me that hopes he will change fore the better is gone. completely. even last night when i told him tt he has to try harder if he wants the relationship to work, i didn't say it with any expectations. it was simply a warning that there was something wrong in the relationship. i could've chosen not to tell him but i thought it was only fair for him to know. even if he does try harder now, i will wonder how long it's gonna last until he goes back to his old self again.

now i better dry my eyes, pray, then go to sleep. not gonna end up oversleeping n missing my lesson because of him again like today.

i was thinking jz now tt at least God loves me, he'll still take care of me no matter wad. my girlfriends love me too, they care about me. he says he still loves me, but the way things are, it's obvious enough that he doesn't care about me. i thought love n care came hand in hand.

Posted by s t a t i c at 2:17 AM

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

why dya have to go and make things so complicated

helloo blog. i love my neighbour and roomieeeee!!! felt so effed up yesterday night la... talking to sarah n jinglin made me feel loads better if not i would've jz broken down before i went to sleep. sigh.

it's a sad realization...but after wad happened, i really think i'm better off not depending on him. not even for the simplest things. last week was the break point but really...since two or three weeks ago it's all been gradually going downhill. come to think of it, ever since he ord-ed. hah. and he promised that things would get better after ord. i waited. i hoped. whatever.

i generally don't like to go into detail about these matters...u noe that blog. even now as i'm typing, i feel weird. but things need to be sorted out in my head, therefore i'm typing it all down lest i forget the reason why i am opening up my options, why i've decided not to rely on him for the simplest things like anniversaries, celebrations or even hanging out together (i thought that's what dating couples do).

this, or rather, these are the reasons why i now assume that the 'boyfriend' that i have is simply a name on my phone list, someone whom i should not expect to see in person on a regular basis.

until the end of my CAs at least, to save my academic ass, i will wait around until the feelings fade.

someone dotted the i of my name with a heart, but it wasn't you.

this is going to be extremely hard...heartbroken as i already am.

reason 1.
he's been refusing to go out with me. asked him out on the friday of cny week. he was free at home. refused to meet me even tho eastpoint is just a walking distance from his house. he's free this friday afternoon, but he's refusing to see me. lazy to come out of the house. he's free the whole of next week too. still refuses to hang out with me. reason: lazy to come out of the house.

can come out of house (or stay outside longer) to meet church friends, go out with church friends, go for the classmate's impromptu birthday celebration, go for kargea's impromptu cny gathering at his house. cannot come out of house to meet me. not impromptu outing, not planned, not anything.

reason 2.
he refused to meet me on valentine's day. been fighting about it since ten days before vday, until he fell sick with high fever and throat infection and really couldn't go out of the house in the end. but in the first place, he was insistent on not meeting me on vday (VDAY!!!), so it wouldn't have made any difference. i think it was his sms on vday morning that broke the last straw. it said 'find someone to go out with. i'm staying at home'.

eventually,i resolved that vday was an entirely commercial day, and he said that yes, he was just being practical. it's not an especially significant day since it doesn't remotely mean anything to our relationship. but...

reason 3.
he said he refused to do anything for our anniversary next friday, which is really unique cz it falls on 29th feb, which comes only on leap years. i think it's really really special. we'll be 22 months then. but he jz said 'u noe i dun like to celebrate stuff'. i said 'ok we can jz hang out on tt day then, at least'....to which he replied 'ya ya ya' with a reluctant tone. talking about this is giving me a headache again.

reason 4.
last night, he said he gets pissed when ppl tell him their problems.

apparently he says it's an involuntary reaction since he didn't like it when his mum told him about her problems bcz he said she'd drag other things into it it. so the result is that he will instantly get pissed when someone starts to confide in him...so in most cases he moves away when someone in his group of friends starts to talk about his problem...before he can get pissed.

i told him that we are not machines nor animals, and we don't act simply on impulse or the sheer habit of having a trigger reaction from a past event. nothing's the same. we have brains and intellect. USE IT.

anyway, that explained why he got angry when i told him about my cheerleading probs the other tme, and i ended up running to huda about it. at first i thought it was because he just twisted his knee when i called him that day...but come to think of it, it was a lame excuse. so his reaction to ppl confiding in him is to get pissed off. he also said he gets irritated when i start crying. irritated. not feeling like he shoud do something to make me feel better, not concern, nothing. he gets irritated when i cry...no matter what the reason is.

________________________________

something i rmbred abt yest's convo...

me: rmbr i once told u that u were my everything?
him: ya?me: i can't say that anymore...not sincerely

then there was this abrupt pause on his end of the line.

and then he just said 'ok...'.
then again, that's what his verbal reaction is usually...no matter what his real reaction is. so what did i expect?

i dun think even i wud noe wad to say if he told me that. not that i think i ever was his everything to start with.

no i don't want to cry. i've cried too many tears for you already.

Posted by s t a t i c at 3:36 PM

Monday, February 18, 2008

stuck

1. boy is angry at me bcz i did do what he said (haha) and went out with another guy on vday. padan muka.

2. can derive from no. 1 that boy really does genuinely care, after all. and that he does have a feleing of possesiveness over i the girlfriend, after all. despite his many proclamations of 'not caring what i do', which are undeniably founded to be denials. heh.

on the checklist of what makes a proper boyfriend/lover, that point, after 1yr and 9months, is finally and permanently checked. dunno whether to rejoice or to sigh in exasperation, so i shall say 'Alhamdulillah'...my feelings are not wasted. with boy i am still in love, after all.

3. boy is trying to defend me much on 'warbook'. expression of caring? i suppose so, yes.

4. after much ruminations on boy for 1yr and 9months, i have decided to go with the flow. as hilwa has said. bcz i realize that relationships are all in the hands of fate, ie; in the hands of God. therefore, after having intentionally and always making a point to put in effort to better the rltnship, i now leave it up to Him. me shall do wad me feels like doing ie; gut feeling etc.

5. many distractions i is having. partly good. partly leaves me with slight bad feeling, since it might affect welfare of relationship.

6. i am from now on, putting full priority on welfare of MYSELF. not welfare of relationship. i must love myself, after all.